3:32 pm
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Age: 20
Getting Help
During my breakdown yesterday I frantically texted my best friends, Zachary and Jentry. They are guiding lights in my life. Jentry has known me since I was 3. I trust her judgement almost more than mine. She knew instantly that something was wrong. She suggested something that I would never have thought of.
She said I should get help.
Much unlike my recent self I went straight to the University health center after my class. I showed up at 1:00 full of predetermined misconceptions and, of course, anxiety. This lovely lady cam and got me and started asking me just a few questions. I told her about me and why I was there. I basically recited my panic attack post from yesterday. She me about my past with social anxiety.
And that is when it hit me.
I have had massive social anxiety almost my entire life.
It started back when I was a little kid. I would gag almost every time I walked around, especially when I was around food. That petrified me. I was scared to go out to eat and I hated to eat in public because I thought I would throw up in public. I was terrified of not being close to a bathroom.
That problem doubled, if not tripled when I started with the anorexia. That destroyed my digestive system and made me constantly dizzy. I would bend over gagging on the walk from be bed to the bathroom when I woke up in the morning. The anxiety I had as a kid was expanded because I couldn't get control over vomiting or gagging.
The anorexia caused the massive stomach problems I have dealt with for the last 5 years. For the longest time I couldn't eat out at restaurants. If I got in a car, or even walked around, very soon after I ate I would be cripplingly nauseous.
Side note: nausea is 10000000% worse than just throwing up. If you throw up you are done. Being nauseous leaves you panicky for hours at a time.
I also have acid re-flux disease. If I don't have my medicine I am essentially out of commission. I finally got tired of dealing with the stomach issues and my family took me to the doctor. They yanked my gal bladder out and gave me motion sickness meds that I can not survive with out.
I also learned that all my fears are social fears. Crowds, claustrophobia, swarms, heights. All created or experienced in social situations.
Pretty much my whole life has been filled with anxiety. A lot of it dealing with finding bathrooms and staying away from people. This anxiety and stress has been building and building and yesterday it finally popped.
Taking to the counselor today was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am finally doing something to create a life that isn't riddle with escape routes, bathrooms, and excuses. I felt so liberated talking. Although, I am still exhausted. I haven't talked that much in months. I need a nap. But it was an amazing experience.
I got to talk about how I felt instead of trying to explain why I felt it.
If anyone of you have social problems or anxiety go talk to a counselor or therapist. They have studied the reasons you feel the way you do and know what to do to try and help. The best part is you just get to say what you feel. You don't have to explain yourself.
I should be getting the results of our consultation and the path of treatment in a few days. I am very hopeful. More hopeful than I have been in a long time.
I leave you with a picture and all my love,
Katie
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