9:14 pm
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Age: 20
Overwhelming Anxiety
Lately I have been avoiding commitments. If someone invites me to do something I and for some reason I say yes I instantly regret it. I instantly start to think of something I can say or some excuse I can come up with to get me out of whatever the commitment is. I rejoice when someone cancels plans. I seriously have a miniature party.
Tonight, is the worse it has ever been.
My roommates from last year invited me to a picnic. A BLOODY PICNIC. It sounded brilliant while I was talking to them but once the plans were set the anxiety set it. I started to be short on breath and light headed. I was unable to focus on what I was trying to do and Sid was freaking out because that doesn't happened often. I started combing through my catalog of excuses as the pressure of the looming event got heavier and heavier. It is like this giant black tarp hanging over me slowly getting closer and closer.
I got up from my computer and laid on my bed. I pulled my knees up to my chest and closed my eyes wishing this claustrophobia would leave. I started to shake and my eyes began watering. I twisted my hands together to try and stop the fear. The worst part is I don't understand why I am so scared.
I am so scared of contact with other people. I get jumpy when people touch me. I panic inside when a teacher calls on me for an answer. I just don't want to talk to anyone. I think at school today I spoke about 3 sentences but I felt utterly drained. That little bit of contact with people exhausted me. Now granted, I am away from my family and the closest friends I have. The only one I have at school is Sid, but he doesn't really get social anxiety. He is such a people person. I don't know what I am doing and I don't know why this is happening.
Is it because I don't really want to see people? That doesn't make sense. I lived with my roommates for a year. I should be comfortable around them, right? The tears are flowing now and I don't know what to do to stop it. Why do I feel so much pressure and debilitating fear of going on a damned picnic with two people. JUST TWO PEOPLE. I don't understand.
It has been months since I actually hung out with people by choice. Every time someone invites me somewhere and I say no. The normal part of the school year was still happening when I spent time with my friends. Even then though, on the car ride I was hyperventilating and wishing that Sid would just turn the car around. The thing is, this has nothing to do with the people themselves. I love my roommates and all the friends I have made at University. But when they ask me to spend time with the I would literally rather die.
Why is this happening?
I leave you with a picture and my all distant panicky love,
Katie
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