Diary of an Introvert - What That Really Means

July 4th, 2014
5:55 pm
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Age: 20

What does it really mean to be an Introvert?

This word, 'introvert', has always been something that I associated with being shy. When I was younger I thought that is was essentially the same thing. I always thought that introverts were those kids that didn't play on the play ground a recess. I thought they were the quiet ones in class who never asked you to be their partner, the ones you had to ask first. Part of that is true, it is very safe to say that people like that are introverts. However, that isn't the only kind.

Not all introverts are uncomfortable with social interaction. Not all are socially inept. Not all are reserved. 

Yes, most shy people are introverts. But not all introverts are shy. 

I am not a shy person. Ask my friends or by fiance or my family. I am not shy. I have no problem talking to new people or being a part of a debate. It is easy to make me laugh and I love spending time with people. I was in theatre for a huge part of high school. I was in seven productions and had a huge part in most of them. I can stand up on stage and belt out anything. I am still an Introvert. 

When I come home from school Sid can instantly see what kind of day I had. He knows if I had to talk to a lot of people that day because I will be silent. I will sit down on my computer and just scroll through various social media sites, he knows to leave me alone. I can only handle so much social interaction before I need some alone time. If I am forced to keep talking and interacting with other people I start to get exhausted and frustrated. 

There are other things about me that are obviously introverted characteristics. I hate parties, large gatherings of people with lots of noise makes me want to cry. I don't have very many close friends, I don't need very many to be happy. People think I am stand-offish and bitchy automatically, there is almost nothing I can do about that. I hate having plans, obligations make me panicky. It makes me feel like my whole day revolves around whatever happens to be planned and I can't stand that. 

This is the beginning of my Diary. I hope to document what social interactions and things like that do to me and how I recover so that people can see that Introverts are rude or shy or socially awkward. We are just comfortable alone or in silence, and there is nothing wrong with that. 

I leave you with a picture and all my love, 

Katie

Inspiring Music

"18th Floor Balcony" - Blue October

"Somebody Told Me" - The Killers

"Mr. Brightside" - The Killers

"Ready, Steady, Go" - L'Arc〜en〜Ciel

"Call Your Name" - Mica Caldito

Music

July 3rd, 2014
8:58 pm
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Age: 20

Music

Over the last two days (since I posted my panic attack and my first trip to the doctors) I have received so much love and I want to thank everyone for that. You all mean the world to me. Thank you!

Now, enough sappy stuff. I noticed yesterday and they day before that that I instantly reached for music. I broke down and lost my mind and they first thing I did to try and fix it was listen to music. Music is to therapeutic. It has helped me with so much and it also helps ward off people when I really don't want to talk to them. 

In middle school and high school I played clarinet. That kind of music is different than the music most people think of when you talk about the magic. Because of band I made a lot of friends and it was my favorite class during the day. Band is where I got close to Zachary and we still talk music even though I am not in band anymore. It was such a satisfying thing to be able to read music. It was like knowing a foreign language or secret code that only other similarly cool people knew about. It opened up so many doors and it also helped me get over that HORRIBLE taste in music every middle schooler has. 

When I was that age, I would have killed anyone who said that. 

In high school and University especially music has become a calming tool and a coping mechanism. Nothing helps calm me down more than Ed Sheeran and Matt Nathanson. In what other way could I have Disney movies with me always if it wasn't on my iPod in the form of songs? How would I survive without Book of Mormon or RENT? 

Music also helps to form bonds. I am engaged to a man who listened to Disney music with me the first time we hung out. I shamelessly have jam secession in my car with my cousins and best friend while playing One Direction. THAT'S RIGHT! I AM A DIRECTIONER!!!!! 

I will also blame music as the reason why I can't remember math formulas and stuff like that. My brain is full of thousands of songs worth of lyrics. How can I possibly be excepted to memorize quadratic functions? 

When people tell me they don't really listen to music, or they don't like music I just shake my head. There is no way a person can't like music. You may not like what is played on the radio (I know I don't) but that isn't the only music out there. Experiment and just get on YouTube or iTunes. Ask friends. Music is a wonderful thing and it connects people from different places and different walks of life more than a lot of other things can. It provokes such powerful emotions (I may or may not be sobbing at my computer listening to "18th Floor Balcony" by Blue October. That is seriously a beautiful song), how can anyone not want that?

Music is awesome. It really is. 

I leave you lovelies with a picture, all my love, and the hope that you'll go listen to some song you really love. I would really love to know what your favorite songs are! Let me know.

Katie

That's the INSIDE of a cello . . . be impressed.

Diary of an Introvert - Getting Help

July 3rd, 2014
3:32 pm
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Age: 20

Getting Help

During my breakdown yesterday I frantically texted my best friends, Zachary and Jentry. They are guiding lights in my life. Jentry has known me since I was 3. I trust her judgement almost more than mine. She knew instantly that something was wrong. She suggested something that I would never have thought of. 

She said I should get help.

Much unlike my recent self I went straight to the University health center after my class. I showed up at 1:00 full of predetermined misconceptions and, of course, anxiety. This lovely lady cam and got me and started asking me just a few questions. I told her about me and why I was there. I basically recited my panic attack post from yesterday. She me about my past with social anxiety. 

And that is when it hit me. 

I have had massive social anxiety almost my entire life. 

It started back when I was a little kid. I would gag almost every time I walked around, especially when I was around food. That petrified me. I was scared to go out to eat and I hated to eat in public because I thought I would throw up in public. I was terrified of not being close to a bathroom. 

That problem doubled, if not tripled when I started with the anorexia. That destroyed my digestive system and made me constantly dizzy. I would bend over gagging on the walk from be bed to the bathroom when I woke up in the morning. The anxiety I had as a kid was expanded because I couldn't get control over vomiting or gagging. 

The anorexia caused the massive stomach problems I have dealt with for the last 5 years. For the longest time I couldn't eat out at restaurants. If I got in a car, or even walked around, very soon after I ate I would be cripplingly nauseous. 

       Side note: nausea is 10000000% worse than just throwing up. If you throw up you are done. Being nauseous leaves you panicky for hours at a time. 

I also have acid re-flux disease. If I don't have my medicine I am essentially out of commission. I finally got tired of dealing with the stomach issues and my family took me to the doctor. They yanked my gal bladder out and gave me motion sickness meds that I can not survive with out. 

I also learned that all my fears are social fears. Crowds, claustrophobia, swarms, heights. All created or experienced in social situations. 

Pretty much my whole life has been filled with anxiety. A lot of it dealing with finding bathrooms and staying away from people. This anxiety and stress has been building and building and yesterday it finally popped. 

Taking to the counselor today was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am finally doing something to create a life that isn't riddle with escape routes, bathrooms, and excuses. I felt so liberated talking. Although, I am still exhausted. I haven't talked that much in months. I need a nap. But it was an amazing experience. 

I got to talk about how I felt instead of trying to explain why I felt it.

If anyone of you have social problems or anxiety go talk to a counselor or therapist. They have studied the reasons you feel the way you do and know what to do to try and help. The best part is you just get to say what you feel. You don't have to explain yourself. 

I should be getting the results of our consultation and the path of treatment in a few days. I am very hopeful. More hopeful than I have been in a long time. 

I leave you with a picture and all my love, 

Katie 

Diary of an Introvert - Overwhelming Anxiety

July 1st, 2014
9:14 pm
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Age: 20

Overwhelming Anxiety

Lately I have been avoiding commitments. If someone invites me to do something I and for some reason I say yes I instantly regret it. I instantly start to think of something I can say or some excuse I can come up with to get me out of whatever the commitment is. I rejoice when someone cancels plans. I seriously have a miniature party.

Tonight, is the worse it has ever been.

My roommates from last year invited me to a picnic. A BLOODY PICNIC. It sounded brilliant while I was talking to them but once the plans were set the anxiety set it. I started to be short on breath and light headed. I was unable to focus on what I was trying to do and Sid was freaking out because that doesn't happened often. I started combing through my catalog of excuses as the pressure of the looming event got heavier and heavier. It is like this giant black tarp hanging over me slowly getting closer and closer.

I got up from my computer and laid on my bed. I pulled my knees up to my chest and closed my eyes wishing this claustrophobia would leave. I started to shake and my eyes began watering. I twisted my hands together to try and stop the fear. The worst part is I don't understand why I am so scared.

I am so scared of contact with other people. I get jumpy when people touch me. I panic inside when a teacher calls on me for an answer. I just don't want to talk to anyone. I think at school today I spoke about 3 sentences but I felt utterly drained. That little bit of contact with people exhausted me. Now granted, I am away from my family and the closest friends I have. The only one I have at school is Sid, but he doesn't really get social anxiety. He is such a people person. I don't know what I am doing and I don't know why this is happening.

Is it because I don't really want to see people? That doesn't make sense. I lived with my roommates for a year. I should be comfortable around them, right? The tears are flowing now and I don't know what to do to stop it. Why do I feel so much pressure and debilitating fear of going on a damned picnic with two people. JUST TWO PEOPLE. I don't understand.

It has been months since I actually hung out with people by choice. Every time someone invites me somewhere and I say no. The normal part of the school year was still happening when I spent time with my friends. Even then though, on the car ride I was hyperventilating and wishing that Sid would just turn the car around. The thing is, this has nothing to do with the people themselves. I love my roommates and all the friends I have made at University. But when they ask me to spend time with the I would literally rather die.

Why is this happening?

I leave you with a picture and my all distant panicky love,
Katie

Hair and All its Awful

July 1st, 2014
11:23 am
University of Arkansas
Age: 20

Hair has always been an issue for me. I can never decide what I want from it and I am extremely lazy. If I had the option I would leave it surrounding my head in all it's soft poofy gloriousness. But, due to the pressure of society and all that good stuff I feel the obligation to do something it.

When I was in middle school my lovely Aunt showed me the wonders of a straightener. It turned my frizzled mess into something that I could control. It was also when I got my first real hair cut. It had layers and was thinned out. I don't think you guys really understand just how thick my hair is. When I was 12 and went to ge the previously mentioned hair cut the lady trimmed about an inch off the bottom and did some long layers. The amount of hair that was left on the ground was enough to completely cover a medium sized dog. It was ridiculous. I left my hair like this for quite a long time. It was easy to do nothing with and my mom would straighten it for me since there was no way in hell I could do it all by myself.

For some reason my sophomore year of high school I dyed it red. This was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. It is such a pain to dye hair month after month. Especially red because it fades so fast. I kept all the layers and the swooping bangs that my mother so lovingly christened "The Chunk of Doom". It was nice, everyone said it looked natural and I liked it but oh the agony of keeping up with it. 

Summer before senior year I hacked it all off. About six inches of hair were mercilessly removed in an effort to make things easier. I lived in Texas and the summers were brutal. Having flowing long hair is nice, until it is soaked in sweat and sticking to the back of your neck every single time you walk out of the door. I absolutely loved this haircut, but it only lasted about 5 months before I needed to do something more with it. 

ENTER THE PIXIE CUT!!! Emma Watson is a goddess and the inspiration for this lovely idea. It was so shockingly different from anything I had ever done. I always thought that short hair was for older women, like our mom's and teachers (if you get that quote we can be best friends, if not educate yourself on good movies). It was short and effort free! All I had to do was straighten the sideburns and bangs because of my hair's never ending attempt to create uneven waves. I kept it this way for a while. I never had it trimmed to keep the style though. I just let it grow out. 

Here comes College, with a vengeance!

The blue. Oh the lovely blue. It was my stupid ass idea to color it again (clearly I am an idiot who refuses to learn from anything I do). Cut wise I went back to my bob and I loved it. But the blue was that inevitable first step towards rebellion (swiftly followed by a nose ring and a Harry Potter tattoo). This stupid color would not leave my hair for anything. It took months and months and several attempts to dye over it. Word of advice, DON'T COLOR YOU HAIR WITH STRAIGHT PIGMENT UNLESS YOU HAVE PATIENCE! And the ability to stay with a hair style for longer than a few months. 

So, here we are now. Summer of 2014, junior in college. My hair is a mess and is a cross between red and brown with Lord only knows what color growing out of my roots. I have no idea what I am doing with it. Part of me says that 'I am growing it out to achieve a more feminine look and have options' and another part of me says 'I am so lazy and getting a hair cut requires putting on real pants and leaving the house'. I am just back in that circle of indecision and laziness. That last sentence can pretty much describe my life. This just got deep, watch out every body. 

Here you are. My hair story. I don't have any problems or illnesses related to it. I just have a lot of experiments and different styles. It is all temporary isn't it? If there is something you want to do, GO FOR IT. It's just hair, it will grow back . . . eventually. 

I leave you with a picture and all my love, 

Katie

Something That Came to Mind

June 30th, 2014
11:24 pm
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Age: 20


This isn't something I would normally do. For those of you who know me it isn't hard to realize that. I have a huge problem communicating emotions and getting things off my chest so I can move on. I hold grudges way longer than I should (I am sorry girl from first grade, but I still hate you) and it creeps into everything I do.

Today has been a rough day. Not like seriously rough, like first world problems rough. But it was enough to get me down. My fiance, brother, and I decided to start making YouTube videos and that requires a lot of talking. I can talk for long periods of time about absolutely nothing, but something about knowing that other people would be hearing this it exhausted me.

I have a rough time talking to other people. It isn't that I am incapable or social inept. I just don't really like to. If I go to class and half to talk to other people I go back to my apartment craving silence and solitude. I have always been like that. After most social events I needed time to recharge, but lately it has gotten so much worse.

"We should really hang out more often!"
"You know, Katie. You should join a club or something."
"Don't go wasting the best years of your life!"
"You'll never have opportunities like this again."

Phrases like that are the bane of my existence. I hate clubs and groups. I detest them. I will join one or decide that maybe I should go out and meet people, then about 10 minutes later I am regretting everything and trying as hard as I can to be free of obligations. Anything I can do to allow myself the option of staying at home with my book, Netflix, or video games I will do. I hate having obligations. It ruins my whole day and makes me very panicky.

Believe me, I know how whiny I sound. I have been told my entire life that I am extremely dramatic and prone to exaggeration. But this is really starting to effect my life. That is why I have decided to start this blog/ranting/expression project. I need so way to let people know what I am thinking and how I feel.

So, lets see how this goes. I know this one sounds like a whiny rant, but I have complete faith that I can use this to better myself. Also I plan on not having a plan. I like the idea of not having a specific topic to stick to. Randomness and variation are some times good things.

I will leave you with a picture and all my love.

Let's see if I can really make this a thing.